emilia48tc's Journal

John and I are going out again tonight. I don't know why, but I'm nervous as a cat. I know he really likes me. I think I've gotten to the paranoid stage of a budding relationship. You know, the moment when you know you'd be really really upset if he's not who you think he is, so you prepare yourself for his asshole-dom, even though he's given you no indication whatsoever that he's anything other than a really great guy who's funny and fun to talk to and who has certain talents you don't discuss in polite company, and seems to think you're the bees knees. So that's where I am right now. Tell me to chill out.

(It's just that it's been so long since I've been in a real [I hate to say the word, but it's the one I'm thinking] love [gulp] relationship. James does not count. After the first month or so, (and even then, to some extent) he always found ways to make me feel bad about his problems. I think I could really [I just can't say the L-word] "care about" this guy, which I haven't done since David, and that would be about 6 years ago now. So I'm rather nervous. For all my talk, I haven't been in a real relationship since then.)

So, please, just tell me to relax and enjoy myself.

Erika P. is in town, and hopefully, she will get to meet him this weekend. I think things will be great if I can get the Erika stamp of approval. (Not that I need that, but I don't know if you've noticed that my judgement when it comes to guys is not the best in the world. It's good to know that my friends don't think I'm on crack again.)

Sigh. We'll see. I really am having a wonderful time. It's just so hard to step into the unknown sometimes. I think dating jerks can be more comfortable in some ways, because you protect yourself from the beginning. I haven't dated someone unguardedly since David. Boy, that's sad.

Okay, I'll chill out, and I'll have another wonderful time with John. (And maybe this time I'll get up the nerve to hold his hand in public. So nervous... That, and there's something kind of formal about his manner. Although, last time I saw him, he took my hand just because. I am so incredibly smitten. He's really wonderfully sweet.)

(So, there's no reason for me to suspect he has a wife and three kids in Tuscaloosa or New Orleans or anything, right? I'd be so upset).

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